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The Inexplicable Monologue

images (1)Rights and Duties. Where do they begin and where do they end? What is the thin line that differentiates between respecting someone and violating someone?

It’s been close to an year, I have several questions in my mind and don’t have answers to any. Does our Police and Judiciary really protect us? I doubt.

It was in 2013 that I joined a new company and little did I knew then that my life would change forever. It wasn’t very pleasant working there and I decided to quit. It was here I met two individuals who I didn’t know would bring havoc in my life – Mr X and Ms Y. They were my teammates. When I was in the office, I didn’t find the team very welcoming of a newcomer. I thought that’s the culture. Mr X, however, was approachable. He was assigned my mentor.

Here, I would like to mention few things I experienced. I found it strange when few guys would stare at me. I found it strange when I heard few teammates gossip around me thinking I was not around. This includes Ms Y as well. After all I was just a few days old in the company. I never bothered and shared my feelings in free time with friends I made during induction. I have always wondered why don’t people use their mind and time for something constructive rather than talking about someone behind their back, that too when that person is minding his / her own business.

Two months after I quit the company, I got a message from Mr X and we spoke normally. He started insisting I meet him and I felt little uncomfortable the way he pushed me all the time to meet him. I have respected him always as a mentor and as a friend. I met him and the meeting was good. By then he told me the problems he had at home, however, he discussed what he wanted to and would never reply my questions. Whenever I say something which is different from his expectation, he would say I hurt him, I insult him. How is saying no to his advances insulting him? I said that for reasons. This discussion has never happened as he would yell at me and disconnect or talk something completely different.

Like anyone else, even I had my share of problems. He would sometimes listen and sometimes completely avoid. He started talking cheesy. I told him many times not be, he would stop and slowly again start his old ways. He intimidated me several times, put me down for whatever I said. I never understood him. When he was good, we spoke on several issues especially social issues. I liked him as he spoke sense when we discussed on any topic. He would sometimes exactly mirror me or sometimes give me a whole new perspective to look at an issue. We developed an attachment.

In all this what I failed to realize was his constant pressure even as a friend and cheesy talks have by now started mounting pressure in my sub-conscious. I had issues in my office, same politics that exists in corporates. I was completely fed-up. Another issue which was stressing me was the behavior of builder of our apartment. I fail to understand when a girl speaks her mind why is she judged. My father is retired and was hurt as the builder lacked manners to speak. I decided I will speak for my family, after all, I was earning and paying the rent. He has misbehaved with almost everyone in the apartment. Every time we forgive. One day we lost it when I told him we are looking to shift to another apartment and don’t want to have any further discussion. He insisted to listen. I folded my hands and asked him to leave but he constantly was misbehaving. There came a point when he pushed me. I didn’t like it. I was shocked and we called up the Police.

The way Police behaved that day made me think if we can ever be safe with these people. He intimidated me by telling how big the problem can become, he tried to explain me how he was doing a favor by thinking of my benefit and just settle the matter. I gave a written complaint. They fined the builder. We vacated the house. And of course we still believe it’s a taboo to go to a Police station. This must be changed.

Mr X was angry I went to the Police and he scolded for doing so. I have asked him several times to think how my parents feel when I am away for so long. I told at least meet them so they know you. He said he needs sometime. One of my friend who met him had a strong dislike towards Mr X and he discussed it with my sister as to how come I call Mr X a good friend. I said he is going through a lot of problems and this could be the reason if he is not open or social. By then we were close. He kissed me as well despite me asking him not to do so. I always discussed him to do things in an open and a good way, for example, discuss with his family, and think about them. I never wanted to be a person who would even accidentally break a family. Yes, he is a married man but doesn’t live with his wife. I suggested they go to a marriage counselor. He said he loves me but since I told him he is trying to reconcile with his wife but his wife doesn’t cooperate. Meanwhile, at the backend, I started realizing he is impacting me. I had seizures. That was the kind of pressure mounting on my head. I was preparing myself to leave the job and city and go away from him because I didn’t find the way we spent time with each other leading nowhere, anything logical.

I also wanted to make sure he settles with his family as he needed support for sure. I saw a ray of hope when his wife came for a week, however, she left. He said it was entirely her decision. After that he use to contact me and scold if I don’t lift the call or meet him. Some days he would not even bother to reply to my messages. This was all leading to a lot of stress as I started questing my worth and he would eventually blame me for everything. Yes, even when I use to tell him about ethics, he said “anything bad happens to me, you are responsible”. He would constantly call me when he wanted me.

One day when my father was just discharged from hospital, I got a call from Ms Y. She started abusing me for being with Mr X. Later she told me she was in a relationship with Mr X. They are married and stay together. She warned me to stay away from her husband. I was too drained to think. I was shattered for I can’t take lies. I neither reached out to them first nor did I encourage them. All I did was believed all they said. I know this was naïve. He has not only told her that I am the one who is constantly behind him, but he said I borrowed money from him. The reality was the other way round. When I asked her to check my chats / calls / bank details, he yelled at me. I couldn’t understand a thing and blocked both of them.

Next day, Ms Y messaged me. She apologized to me for abusing me and asked me to talk to her once. I spoke as she was my colleague once upon a time. I knew she was married and has two kids. While I shared with her my side of the story, she said he behaved exactly the same way with her. I said I don’t want to get involved further. She said we must inform his wife as he would do this with several girls. I asked if we must report in Police as even I wanted to stop him from doing this with any other girl. She said she doesn’t want our names to be out. I was okay to face the consequences. But I also thought she is married and her family could be effected if her name is out and my previous contact with Police was also not smooth. Mine and dad’s health wasn’t good. We left our jobs, relocated so we had too many things to take care of.

She told me, she with a help of her cousin in US would send email to his wife. She asked me to take care of my health. While we spoke I had several revelations, like Mr X’s wife left as Ms Y told him she would end the relationship if he is with his wife. Wasn’t she cheating on her family? I asked her if she has issues, she said she is very happy with her husband. Anyways, I didn’t understand a thing. Is they calling themselves victims justified? Were they not selfish to their families?

She told me how she is tolerating him so that he doesn’t harm me. One day both of them blocked me. I tried to check a social networking site and saw both of them are in contact. I was shocked. I wrote an email and questioned it. She replied saying “I was worried about your health and this is how you think”. I felt bad and apologized. It’s been more than six months and I see both of them are actively connected in social networking site.

I wrote several times to understand the situation before I judge but I have never got any response. I wonder let’s say if Mr X has a mental disorder – what’s wrong in speaking about it? Or does his mental disorder doesn’t let him have control over his emotions but has a perfect control over whom to respond, when to respond? In such a case, I empathize and am willing to help the way I can but does that mean if someone claims to have a mental disorder has a license to hurt others? It would be wrong my part to comment without knowing the truth so I leave it there.

To Ms Y I want to ask – What was she doing to her husband? What was the reason she had to hide to me that she is still in contact with him? If she could block me, why couldn’t she block him? Was she also using me like him? Was she concerned about me or did she think of me as a roadblock?

If I am to believe them, both have traumatic childhood and this is dangerous as this continues. They are unfortunately unable to give their kids a good childhood either. No wonder we are prone to depression. I lacked awareness when I went in depression. It is something which eats our mental health. We live in a progressive society where we talk about peace, happiness for all but do we understand what we talk about? There is thin line between caring and violating in the name of caring. We need awareness so that each individual is not just aware of his / her rights but his / her duties as well. We must understand what is gaslighting to what is depression. Let’s not become so selfish and start being more caring. Having said this, I wonder if forgiving means letting people take advantage, letting people not understand their mistakes. Even that would be wrong.

Do they feel insecure about something? They shouldn’t have dragged me in this whole thing while I have been repeating myself over and over again to do the things in a transparent way. I remember Ms Y told me “forget him”. Well I see how she has forgotten. If they are right what makes them mask themselves. I don’t say we should live by conventional means but these are increasing in our society. While few are honest, majority is not. Why have we turned into people who want to pretend to be good but be disloyal? Why is it our intentions, lifestyle everything changing. Its certainly not for all good else we wouldn’t hear so many things through various platform. We have become so selfish and short-sighted. I pity the small minds.

I have no answers from them but have many questions for them? Am I not a human? Do I not have feelings? Is it wrong to give a friendly advice to anyone? Is this how a human is respected? What’s the fun in breaking someone’s trust? What do they want to achieve this way? They feel they deserved a better life. Are they giving better life to their respective families and girls like me? If it was so personal, who gave them the right to mislead me and use me for their benefit? I have experienced the pain and shock one goes through when the most trusted people unmask and show their real face. I also must say I was blessed to have family and friends who stood my side during hardship.

If they deserved a good life, so do I. I am as much a human as they think they are. I hope they understand this. I don’t understand how is it okay to compel someone, bother someone and just leave without taking any responsibility, any discussion. I am a human, not someone to be taken for granted.

I understood I was too kind which I shouldn’t have been. They both knew what I was going through and by the way I decided never to get married. I realized I lacked awareness about my own rights and harassment. I realized we live in times where extra marital affairs are glamorized in the name of love. I realized it’s always the oppressed and the oppressor. I realized we live in a cocktail society where truth has no place, every wrong can be justified. We speak of all solutions while we are lost in the material world.

Having said this, I would still believe in truth. I am constantly fighting my battle for what I lost. I don’t want this lesson in my life to be used as an excuse to ill-treat others. I work towards being a better person, I ask questions, search for answers as I wish to see this world as a peaceful place to live. I pray “Sabko Sanmati De Bhagwaan”.